Dear Family and Friends,
Yesterday, 18 October, Margreet was very lucid, energetic and bright.
Dorothe, a friend who came (with Bert) to look after her while I was
working said "She's like her old self! I'm glad I came to see her". Me
too. She was joking and telling stories. She was the beautiful 'wise
ass' I've known before.
Unfortunately, it reminded me of my mother... who just a day before she
died, she too had what looked like a sudden recovery... but it was just
her last burst of energy before leaving us.
In the evening Hermine and her husband, Sitze, came to visit and said
their 'fair wells'. They've know each other only a few years but feel
they've been friends for eternities. They didn't say "Goodbye" but
"Until we see again". Hermine said that this felt different than
previous times. When Marcia came to say Good night, Margreet hugged her
and told her this would be the last time. Leny sent me an e-mail
message "Bob, how is the situation? I am very restless because I have
such horrible feelings." I told her what I was feeling.
This morning, around 7, I was woken up by her motion. I asked her if
she wanted something. "Yes, hug me." she said. I place my pillow
across our beds and placed my arm on top of her. "Hmm... I feel better
this way" she said. As we laid there she told me that she was very
happy that I would be staying with Marcia and Douwe. "You'll eat
healthy" was the reason. She gave me some advise to take care of myself
and a message for Jessica. "Give her a big kiss for me and tell her
I'll be looking over Jean-Luk also." (A few days ago Marcia asked her
to watch over Arianna and Ryan. To be their 'Guardian Angel'. Margreet
agreed to it immediately. She now has a project to look forward to.)
After a while she asked me if I'd seen her "blow the candle out"? "No"
I said "what candle?" I asked. "Yes, I blew out the candle" she
replied. I didn't pursue the issue.
Then she asked me if I could turn her on her side. "I don't want to lay
like a cadaver. I want to lay with you behind me. (in the 'spoon'
position") she said. After some hesitation on my part (it's not as easy
as it sounds, turning her on her side) I got up, moved my bed to the
side, rolled her hospital bed away from the wall so I could get behind
it as I squeezed by the corner of the bed and the standing closet, then
have her hold my neck with her good arm so I can pull her toward me,
carefully so she doesn't hurt... Ah, but before, reach over the bed and
move the catheter and bag to this side of the bed so the hose doesn't
get crimped and stop the flow of liquid. OK, now I can pull her
around... auh, auh, careful with the legs, they hurt. OK, now I prop a
pillow behind her so she doesn't roll back. I climb across the bed,
careful, don't lay my knee or hands over her, move her bed against the
wall, then push mine against her hospital bed... now I climb back on it,
under the blankets and we snuggle. I know, not a very romantic move,
but it works. "Ah... I feel good this way" she says. So we lay there
for a while then she askes me for a second time "Did you see me blow
the candle out?" "No I didn't" I answer. "I did" she asures me "Are
you ready" she continues. "Ready for what?" I ask. "For whatever the
next step is" she says. I'm begining to catch on... "Yes, I'm ready" I
say. "Good" she says. So we lay there, nice and cozy.
My mind is racing like a maniac! What?! Is she going to go now? Is it
going to happen? What do I do if she stops breathing? Is this realy
happening?... OK, OK, stop! Just breath, don't think! Just experience
what is happening! Let her do her thing. So I do my meditation thing
and watch the 'watcher'. It's all very calm. It feels very good.
"Whatever happens, my liefste, my heart is open" I tell her. "Good,
mine is too" she responds.
We lay there still.
After a while, around 9, I feel her arm move and I tell her... "I don't
know, my liefste. You must have one of those trick candles that come
back on after you blow them out" "Yes, and it sparkles" she says. "Do
you want some coffee?" I ask. "Ja, leker!" she answers (Yes, that's
good!). So I get up and do my morning routine. By the time the coffee
is ready, she is back asleep.
During the morning, when the nurses that help her came in, she was very
groggy and sleepy. I thought perhaps she was going into the expected
deep coma from which she would not come out. But it was not so. She
woke up sometime during the day and was quite bright, calm and happy.
Had a good chat with her cousin who came to see her. Marcia thought she
looked quite good also. It's a roller coaster of a ride.
However, she's not taking her dexametason anymore, and she knows what
that means, as she explained to Marcia and her doctor when she came to
see her this afternoon. So it is only a mater of time, a short time,
before her candle does expire.
She's at peace. Me too.